|  Author | Topic: Essay Practice and Critique (Read 30,872 times) |
Mimieux
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|  | Essay Practice and Critique
« Thread Started on Feb 25, 2007, 3:19pm » | |
Post your essay for critique here 
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mtm
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|  | Re: Essay practice thread.
« Reply #1 on Feb 25, 2007, 6:58pm » | |
This was one of my favourite threads of the old forum. Here's an essay I wrote on art.
"An artist should not be influenced by the public's judgement of his or her work".
- Anonymous
A commonly held ideal in the fine art community is to retain authority over one’s work. However, in any society where financial means are integral to survival, it becomes necessary for an artist to broaden their appeal to the masses. This essay will examine the costs and benefits of being influenced by the public’s judgement.
Artists intend to remain true to their work as it is a form of personal expression. Art, as a manifestation of the creative subconscious mind, is a unique creation that should not be altered to please the viewing public. Attempting to change would betray one’s self and one’s work. Thus, in bending to public judgement and gaining popularity, they are actually losing themselves.
Art is also a form of political and social commentary. The Dadaist art movement of the early twentieth century was profoundly anti-war. Through satirical jibes, it undermined many artistic conventions and institutions of its time. It was even considered to be anti-art by some critics. But despite the abhorrence of this movement by many traditionalists, it achieved its fundamental mission of social commentary by remaining true to itself.
The resurrection of some misunderstood and undervalued movements also indicates how fickle public judgement really is. Originally dismissed, some artists never achieved true recognition in their time due to limited conformity to prevailing conventions. Now, they are almost priceless. Forms of abstract art, like cubism, were not truly appreciated in their age, but now they receive immense appreciation and prestige. So indeed, bowing to public judgement may not really be necessary when the inherent value is finally recognised.
All artists, though are dependent on funding to maintain their lifestyle and occupation. It is for this reason that many artists throughout history often associated with aristocracy, having them as their patrons. Leonardo da Vinci was a strange, but brilliant man with many other interests including art. To be able to pursue these, he would perform his artistic duty to his patron and thus receive enough freedom to follow his own personal interests. So, it can be seen that art has had a long and undervalued history that previously made struggling artists dependent upon support.
Similarly in this modern context, artists are dependent on widespread appeal. The emergence of a new type of art, termed pop art, indicates how new artistic niches can form when the public is receptive. The success of Andy Warhol and his new interpretations of common objects is one such example where public judgement is instrumental in an artist’s success. He demonstrated the underlying meaning of common objects through new modes of thinking and viewing. In so doing, he illustrated the aesthetic nature of art is a cornerstone in its wider appeal.
So, art and artists are dependent on recognition and funding, but must not sell themselves out, literally, at the expense of their creative passion and originality. Thus, a delicate balance must be achieved where an artist produces aesthetic objects with important socio-political commentary that still have a wider appeal towards the greater public - not just for promulgating their own views, but to allow for their survival as people and artists.
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pinky311
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|  | Differences are the heart of progress
« Reply #2 on Mar 10, 2007, 9:53am » | |
Lets get this thread started again. We can gain insight from each others ideas.
I'm still struggling with the essay component of the gamsat, so have stuck to the formulated "thesis, antithesis, synthesis" way of writing. Originality goes out the window as I just want to pass  .
Comment: Anybody who is any good is different from anybody else - felix frankfurter.
Differences are the heart of progress
A society is based on a set of rules set out by individuals in that society for the purpose of creating peace and order in that society. However, there are advantages to not conforming to these set of rules blindly. Being able to think in a different mindset allows an individual to gain insight and new ideas. New ideas lead to innovation, and this leads to progress in a society. Rosa Parks is an example of an individual who had the courage to be different. She refused to move to the back of the bus as was required by the rules set by society at that time. This defiant act led individuals to question current rules that had been set in place. The result was the development of the cival rights act, which provided equal opportunity and freedom for the individuals. This served as progress in the way individuals were viewed and treated in society. Thus, not conforming to the rules set ot by society allows for the progression of new ideas and innovativeness, which leads to the ultimate progress and betterment of that society.
While nonconfomity to rules may lead to new ideas, it can also result in destruction and chaos if established rules are not followed. Charles Warner stated that " we are half ruined by conformity, but we are wholly ruined without it". Warner supports the claim conformity is needed in society to cause to prevent chaos, and that progress is hindered in society without some conformity from its individuals. When the United States declared war on Iraq even though the United Nations had sanctioned against it, resulted in more chaos and destruction in iraq (and the US) than if the US had followed the established protocols and recommendations set forth by the UN. By not conforming to establised rules set out by the UN, the United States has effectively destroyed a country, and hindered any prospects of progress in Iraq.
Rules are established by society as a guide to serve as a code of conduct that is expected of individuals in that society. However, these set rules should not be concrete in all aspects, but should have a characterstic of flexibility and should be able to change to accomodate the current situations facing that society. This is the only way that gaurentess true progress to be made in the society.
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| | Pinky311 (Differences are the heart of progress)
« Reply #3 on Mar 11, 2007, 9:07am » | |
I like your title. It references the quote and the direction you want to take with your essay.
As you already said, the essay follows a formulaic structure. You have to be careful about making it too obvious. Thousands of people use that formula. The markers will recognise it.
The essay is three paras in total. Instead of an intro para, you wrote one sentence and went straight into your 'pro' argument. Your intro should be longer than that. A short outline of your essay plan (pro, against, which side you favour) will suffice.
Rosa Parks is a great example. You expounded the effect on the Civil Rights movement. You could also have covered the risk and courage it takes for a 'nobody' like Rosa to do what she did. She risked being arrested or physically assaulted. Many people choose to conform because they fear physical abuse or ostracism.
The Iraq example is less secure. The campaign is failing/progressing slowly for a number of reasons. Non-conformity with UN rules is one factor. Total lack of planning after the invasion is another factor, which has little to do with the essay topic. You could say that without the support of the UN, the 'coalition of the willing' made its job that much harder because they lacked resources from other countries.
Nonetheless you made a strong case for the need to enforce conformity. It leads to progress and efficiency in making progress.
You finished with a strong concluding paragraph. I would only suggest strengthening the language to use words like 'challenge/question' the norms to improve quality of life etc. The only advice I have about content is to go a little deeper. Once you have worked out your pro/against arguments, look at each side a little deeper to see why each side is justified.
Keep practising. I know you have worked very hard so far. Not long to go! 
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cookmister
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #4 on Mar 11, 2007, 11:42am » | |
MTM a hard topic! You had a great argument, my only comment is that this essay would be so much tighter if the paragraphs were rearranged. The impact of the arguements is lost by the toing-and-froing.
It's all there though, the arguments are fantastic;  It has the makings of a top essay with only very minimal tweaking required!
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sarah
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #5 on Mar 11, 2007, 9:02pm » | |
Hi guys! I've tackled my next two essays - got the quotes from the essay quotes section of this board and just randomly flicked the mouse scroller and did whatever it came up with! I pretty much made up all the facts but that doesn't really matter does it?
Here goes.
Quote - you'll never have a quiet world till you knowck the patriotism out of the human race
Love of the Country
As long as there has been societal difference, there has been civil unrest. Patriotism of ones tribe, for the country, for religion has been blamed for most major wars. The suggestion to 'knock out' patriotism in theory, will decrease war but is it the right thing to do, or even possible? The answer is of course, no.
Patriotism for ones country is what defines us. Indeed it has been the main motivation for soldiers to join the war. In WW1, the streets of major towns and cities were littered with posters of patriotic slogans. The likes of the man pointing out to the crowd saying 'YOUR country needs YOU'. Subsequently, men that most likely didn't even know the reason why Australia was joining in the war, were signing up, some so desperate that they lied about their age. Once on the battlefield the sense of pride kept them fighting, proud to serve their country. But patriotism doesn't start wars, just facilitate them.
The Gulf war of 1990's was started because oil was found in the middle east, America and others who also wanted a share of this wealth joined in. Furthermore, the movie 'Blood Diamond' highlights the civil war raging in South Africa for the exchange of diamonds to weapons. Again greed has conquered - greed for more land, power and wealth. However, war is not the only event fuelled by patriotism.
Without patriotism, countries would lack a sense of identity. At the olympics 'Waltzing Matilda' and 'Advance Australia Fair' would not be sung at the top of the lungs by people with the southern cross painted on their face wearing thongs, balancing a beer in one hand and a pie in the other. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.... Oi, Oi, Oi.
Wow that looks very short typed... on paper i thought i wrote heaps. I even had time to argue longer but didn't want to over do it. Thanks
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sarah
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #6 on Mar 11, 2007, 9:24pm » | |
Well i may as well post my 2nd essay. I did this and the previous one together.
Quote - A simple enough pleasure, surely, to have breakfast alone with ones husband, but how seldom married people in the midst of life acheive it.
I Do
'I do', the phrase said by millions of couples around the world each year. At the wedding, the bride and groom look so much in love that you would expect that they will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Unfortunantly this is not the case.
Divorce in Australia is, at the moment, the highest its ever been. The financial pressures are mostly to blame for divorce. With interest rates forever rising, it makes buying a house very hard for young couples. Some struggle with an outrageous mortage and soon they are working 2 jobs just to keep above the water. The consequence is a lack of quality time.
For other families it is the pressure of children. In a perfect family the father goes to work while the mother drops the kids off at school then comes home to do the odd jobs while baking up a storm out of her favourtie Betty Crocker cook book! Next, she picks up the children and prepares the evening meal for her husband who comes home at precicly 6pm to a freshly cooked dinner. Yeah right! Instead the extra curricular activities that children can do these days, albeit good for them, causes a strain on the family unit. The busy schedule for some families agains leads to a lack of quality time.
Couples need to work on marriage to make it last. Unfortunantly true love just isn't enough for the 21st century family to survive.
Damn 1.5 pages looks like nothing on the computer! Probably should've written more!!! Thanks again
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stewiegriffin81
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #7 on Mar 11, 2007, 9:28pm » | |
Quote:
The Gulf war of 1990's was started because oil was found in the middle east, America and others who also wanted a share of this wealth joined in. Furthermore, the movie 'Blood Diamond' highlights the civil war raging in South Africa for the exchange of diamonds to weapons. |
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Your essay isn't too bad. However, you must be very, very careful about what factual claims you make. About the Gulf War for example: oil was found in Iraq back in 1927, so it's a little hard to claim an entire war started 63 years later over its discovery Same goes for South Africa.....what civil war???? Although (like many other African countries) they have very high violent crime rates, they sure aren't in a civil war at this time. Maybe you are thinking of one of the other African countries that are in civil war at this point (and have diamonds....perhaps the Democratic Republic of Congo?)
Of course, you could make the claim that the whole Gulf War affair started over oil (though not its discovery per se), since Iraq claimed that Kuwait was stealing their oil via slant-drilling and then used that excuse to invade. However, you still have a problem explaining why the Western countries would join in to 'share the wealth', given that after the war they left the same dictator intact and didn't end up controlling any of the oil at all (though they did end up with a very nice market share via the UN food-for-oil program). I'd say that a more realistic explanation of the Western countries getting involved in the first Gulf War was indeed over oil, but not over oil in Iraq, but over oil in Saudia Arabia. Remember that this country has the greatest oil reserves, and also that (at the time) Iraq and Saudia Arabia were not on very good terms at all. It appears likely that the US invaded to prevent any possible Iraqi incursions into Saudia Arabia which may have interfered with oil transportation out of Saudia Arabia.
ps. I just noticed at the top of your post that you 'pretty much made up all the facts'. This really does matter. The essay markers for the gamsat are tertiary educated. They are not stupid. Making facts up are a guaranteed way to lose marks.
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mtm
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #8 on Mar 15, 2007, 6:30pm » | |
Thank you for the critique, Cookmister. Can I ask what would you propose would be a better order?
I wrote another one, also.
"Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly."
"What, then, is the basic difference between today's computer and an intelligent being? It is that the computer can be made to see, but not to perceive."
"Above all, however, the machine has no feelings, it feels no fear and no hope ... it operatures according to the pure logic of probability. For this reason, I assert that the robot perceives more accurately than man."
"The computer is only a fast idiot, it has no imagine; it cannot originate action. It is and will remain, only a tool of man."
"The archetype for all humans, their ideal image, is the computer, once it has liberated itself from its creator, man." F. Durrenmatt
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all." JFK
"To err is human, but to truly foul things up requires a computer."
"The machine unmakes the man. Now that the machine is perfect, the engineer is nobody."
In an attempt to surpass nature in her brilliance, man has attempted to engineer a processing unit that is as self-contained and adaptable as the human brain. Contending that computers have transcended the cage of mortal emotion, it is proposed that they are superior to humans in their calculating capabilities. However, emotion is a powerful tool and empathy and understanding are functions a computer cannot accomplish. This essay attempts to examine the relationship of man and the machine in order to come to a meaningful conclusion.
The most successful invention of nature is the cell that comprises organs and organisms. The brain, a collection of cells, is one of nature’s finest creations. With each cell having its own tendency, some say even personality, its genius lies in their union. The human brain, one of the most amazing specimens yet, can perceive, perform calculations and respond to its environment. But not only can it perform many functions per second consciously, it also regulates the entire body unconsciously. The brain is a tumultuous tempest of chemical signals and electrical impulses from which the human consciousness emanates. Indeed, an understanding of the brain's structure and function reveals a sometimes incomprehensibly advanced structure.
In man's contempt of nature, he has attempted to design a tool that is superior to the human brain. This subconscious competitive urge is attributed by some psychologists and philosophers to the computer being an archetypal exemplar of perfection. In its purely objective and analytical role, a computer could be the human mind liberated from clouding emotions. Indeed, Friedrich Gürrenmatt supports this contention. Able to perform hundreds of calculations per second, the computer is vastly superior to the human mind’s capacity to perform systematic tasks. So, in this regard, the machine is excelling.
However, the computer lacks emotion – a potent tool that drives human existence. It also makes humans unique in their capacity to empathise and derive socially-compatible responses that are dependent on abstract notions. Computers, reliant on pre-programmed instructions, are based on probabilistic outcomes whereas the mortal computer, made wise through experience, is able to tailor a specific course of action Asking a computer program for love advice is hardly a good idea. Any computer program designed in such a way will not comprehend the subtle nuances of human social interaction and the conventions of love. Alternatively, an understanding ear linked to a human supercomputer is able to synthesise knowledge and adapt to new situations. In this way, human minds are certainly superior to a computer and such advances in computers remain in the realm of science fiction.
In these ways, a computer can be thought of as a fast idiot. Able to process information expeditiously, it will seldom come to the solution of a complex emotional or spiritual dilemma. Similarly, it must be remembered that computers have sprung forth from the human mind. Despite attempts to develop computers superior to the combined elements of the human mind, computers ultimately can only be as good as their programmer. John F. Kennedy captures the essence of the argument by stating that man is the most extraordinary computer of all.
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fairyprincess
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #9 on Mar 19, 2007, 8:34pm » | |
Hmm... my first essay post. kinda scary!!! anyways, only a few more days till THE day, so every little bit counts right? here goes!!! The commentis from the forum, so thank you to whoever it was that posted it!
'We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them.'
It is a fact of life that there will be peaple around that are not very nice. It can be seen everyday in schoolyards, workplaces, even in the home. Nobody is everybody's friend, as much as they would like to believe they are.
Human nature is a funny thing. Everybody likes to be liked, but when it comes to criticism, everybody's ready to dish it out. No matter how hard anyone tries, everyone has their critics, and the best anyone can so is to ignore them.
In primary school if the other kids were being mean or naughty, the advice was to jsut ignore them, they'll stop soon. As hard as that is, it is the best advice. Letting the negative comments affect how we act as peopleis allowing the bullies and critics win. Everybody is different and unique, and if that affects or bothers others in society then that shoudl be their own problem and should not lead to a person changing who they are or how they live their life.
Australia is a multicultural country, where different nationalities and cultures are accepted and celebrates. Unfortunately, there are some places in the world that are not yet as accepting. Being a different nationality or having a different skin colour could lead to hateful comments. During these times, it is important to carry on with life and not let those hateful comments lead to decreased self-confidence or a negative view on one's own culture or nationality.
Self confidence is vital in the fight against bullying and negativity. To enjoy life, you can't allow for perople's comment to upset and change the way you live and perceive life. If some people want to spend their lives saying bad things and criticising everybody and everything, then it is their loss. There are so many beautiful things and people int he world, if only they were able to see them.
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endergirl
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #10 on May 18, 2007, 8:59am » | |
Since I have been spending probably a little too much time in the results thread, I figured it will be best to have a distraction and post something here. I decided to practice writing one essay every fortnight on Saturday mornings in about 30 minutes. I will increase that to two essay later on but I wanted to start with baby steps. Here is an essay I wrote - please critique to you heart's content; I will greatly appreciate the feedback.
I was using the ACER sample questions (hope it's okay to put the quotes for it here) for this one and these are the quotes that I used (I am not sure if you should use multiple ones, even though I know that you *can* and also I refer to the quotes in the essay, not sure if that is okay too; could someone clarify that?).
"Speaking generally, punishment hardens and numbs, it produces concentration, it sharpens the consciousness of alienation, it strengths the power of resistance." Nietzsche
"The reformative effect of punishment is a belief that dies hard, chiefly, I think, because it is so satisfying to our sadistic impulses." Bertrand Russel
"The faculties for getting into jail seem to be ample. We want more organisations for keeping people out."
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Punishing Crime Punishes Society More Than The Criminal (Title thought of at the last minute, probably not necessary)
Crime is a complicated issue in society that is difficult to deal with. There is no simple solution to the problem and the current methods of dealing with it may actually contribute to the problem. The major inadequacy of punishment as a solution to the problem of crime is that it deals with the problem too late; once the criminal is unlikely to change their ways. Therefore, instead of reducing crime, punishment may in effect foster it, because it is an inappropriate and "too little, too late" approach to dealing with the problem.
Although there are many roads in which a criminal can get to jail there are few institutions in our society that focus on the prevention of a life of crime. Warner alludes to this issue and in response socieity should instead try to deal with the source of the problem. A person does not become a criminal overnight; they are born and raised and either due to unfortunate circumstances or the education n that tey have received, break the law.
Jails seem to be more of a way to satisfy the punisher (Russel) rather than an advantage to society that will reduce crime. If it is not beneficial to society and in no way reforms the individual because they have been led on the path of crime for many years and once they are put in jail for their crimes they are often far too absorbed in crime to reform their lives.
In fact, as stated by Nietzsche, punishment hardens and it makes the individual more set in their ways and unlikely to change. It fosters their alientaion from society and encourages their feelings that the world is against them and therefore to live in the world they feel compleled to benefit themselves even at the cost of others. THe pain that they cause to aworld that has no concern for them becomes irrelevant. A criminal has therefore become a greater danger to society as a result of punishment.
The current approach to crime is insufficient to reduce the number of people that turn to crime. Instead of being involved at the root of the issue and trying to prevent a person from resorting to crime, it catches them at the point of no return. Instead of reforing, the criminal becomes less likely to feel that society is there to help him/her and feels that there is no other choice but to act against the society that he/she feels is against him/her. Society can blind itself by believing that punishment will reform individuals, but it will only benefit their desire for vindication and increase the prevalence of crime. Although the investment of energy and funds may be greater in crime prevention than it is dealing with the individual once the crime has been committed, the quick solution is inadequate and can lead to a greater problem. If society wants to focus on reducing crime they need to reach out to the individual earlier and instead of alienating through punishment, assist them in achieving a role in society through which they can contribute for both their benefit and the benefit of others.
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I noticed some mistakes as I wrote this up (an unnecessary 'if' for instance in paragraph 3), but I wanted to keep it as unchanged as possible for some feedback to the original.
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arioso
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #11 on May 18, 2007, 11:13pm » | |
I'll admit to not having read your essay just yet, but I wanted to say that I think it's admirable that you are motivated to practise essays already. ![[image]](http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/3752/starvv4.gif) Good on you. ![[image]](http://img254.imageshack.us/img254/1259/eusaclapyv8.gif) ![[image]](http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/322/highfivetl7.gif) You have the right attitude. Now, you've got me thinking about my study plan for these coming months. ![[image]](http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/5547/thanksmz5.gif)
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endergirl
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #12 on May 19, 2007, 10:10am » | |
Thank you for that reply Arioso. Perhaps it's partially because I want to see if I can write essays in the allotted time and because I hope that I can develop a structure that will let me 'fill in the details' in the exam and I guess that will take some practice and definitely some feedback. Thanks for the feedback I've received!
I think another reason for writing now is to take breaks from the organic chemistry I have been digesting. It gives me a chance to do something other than surround myself with hydrocarbons.
Here is another essay I cooked up. This is the same set of sample questions but part B. I am worried I ran away with it in an argumentative manner such as that for part A. I'd be most grateful for all input.
I also realise now too late that I am once again one-sided. Oops.  Ah well here it goes.
"Anybody who is any good is different from anybody else." Felix Frankfurter
"They will say you are on the wrong wrong, if it is your own." Antonio Porchia
"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of youth." JFK
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Independence and unique identity is often frowned upon in society. Conformity can be thrust upon us in many forms, but we should fight against it or otherwise we will be a slave to it. Often what is unique about us can contribute something extraordinary and we should not lose that.
When we try to be unique, we are often confronted by those who wish to prevent it. Porchia refers to the independence as the "wrong road" in the eyes of others. His peers might have thought that he was strange and did not accept his behaviour, but Capote persevered in crafting his own unique identity as a person and a writer. If he would have thought that he was on the "wrong road" we would have lost a great talent.
If we are forced to conform our identity it is the same as being denied basic freedoms. Kennedy supports this view in stating that conformity is the jailer of freedom. Although it is a very severe consequence, the brave new world that Huxley presents shows just how imprisoning conformity can be. His book is a warning to society that forcing all society for conform to a predetermined perfection leads to great loss. We may believe that we are doing the right thing when we conform because we can avoid anything that we define as bad, but conformity is not just and denies any uniqueness whether bad or good.
Uniqueness is often the source of great talent. As Frankfurter alludes that to be good you need to be different. This is clearly seen in the unique art that the Impressionists produced. In fact, although it was an artistic movement with many participating artists they each contributed a very unique approach with their art. They used different brush strokes, subjects and inspiration; which makes their art stand apart from the Renaissance where the approach was far more conformed. Breaking away and being different like the Impressionists can produce magnificent contributions.
We can find it difficult to be unique as society can look down upon our differences. The force of conformity can be so strong that it can jail us. Despite these pressures, being unique can result in a contribution that is needed and appreciated in society. Society needs to embrace uniqueness or otherwise a lot of what is beautiful in this world would never be created.
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In hindsight:
- the introduction should probably start out more generally
- perhaps I should explain Huxley's work more
I also got another good tip for taking the exam whilst working on this. When you concentrate intensely enough for half an hour and sit it an odd position the consequences can be very painful stiffness. Note to self: try to sit as normally as possible, despite the fact that it's very difficult for me to do that. ![[image]](http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c3/pagingdr/Forum/smileys/shocked-smiley-9449.gif)
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eimer4
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #13 on May 19, 2007, 11:17pm » | |
Hi endergirl. I just read both your essays. They both had some really good examples and my only criticism is that some of the sentences are quite long. Its a bad habit of mine too and so i try to split long sentences into 2 or 3. It just means that the essay has better flow and the reader doesn't have to re-read a long sentence before going on. Considering its a long time til the next GAMSAT you are doing well to be practising already and i hope to be joining you soon!! S2 is probably the easiest to improve at, english is not my strongest but practising loads of essays it turned out to be my best one.
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endergirl
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #14 on May 20, 2007, 10:12am » | |
Thanks eimer4 for reading the essays and the feedback. I can definitely see your point in using shorter sentences; I am a multiple offender of the long-winded sentence.
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mtm
Medical Student
University of Sydney
2008
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #15 on May 20, 2007, 10:55am » | |
Hey,
I read your essay and would like to answer some questions I found in the paragraphs before your essay.
- You don't have to put a title. Although it does orient the marker immediately, it also binds you to a certain line of argument. Of course, it isn't a problem if the essay has been planned.
- It's also a really good idea to refer to and then analyse the quote in your essay. It probably adds to the "thought and content" mark as you show that you are contemplating the meaning of each quote.
- And sometimes, if quotes are complementary, you could incorporate both views into the synthesis. And if there are quotes that are a "pro and con" pair, you can use the other in your antithesis.
When compiling your paragraph, think of their SEXC-ness. That is, they should each contain:
Statement
Example
eXplanation
Conclusion
In your introduction, think about the main points you are going to present in the body of your essay. When I read your essay, the main points I found were (in order):
- It is facile to get into gaol, with reference to the cause of crime and how society deals with it
- There are not many preventative measures in avoiding criminal acts or rehabilitative measures to reform the criminal
- Punishment is more a retributive form of justice that satisfies society and the victims of crimes rather than a means of reforming the criminal
So in your introduction, try to state each point succinctly so as to prepare the reader's mind to your main points. In the introduction, it's good to be neutral and give a balanced appraisal of both sides. State your points and even state your purpose. E.g. "This essay attempts to elucidate the nature of and reasons for punishment."
The ideal paragraph, therefore, should begin with a general overview of the paragraph, a topic sentence. This sums up what the paragraph will be about. It can also act as a linker from the previous paragraph to improve flow.
I wrote a sample paragraph following the SEXC formula:
'Imprisonment appears to be a retributive mode of action with the intent of satisfying society and the victims of crime. Indeed, in his appraisal, Warner affirms that it is the sadistic nature that underlies every individual's consciousness that drives the false belief in the reformative effect of punishment. This is no where more evident than in America where the death penalty is a sanctioned means of ending the life of a member of the public. The stauch support of the death penalty in a majority of states of the United States of America supports Warner's belief in the darker side of human nature. The death penalty in itself is a terminal punishment that implies an inherent inability to rehabilitate a criminal. The individual is simply beyond assistance and any attempt to counsel and treat them is futile. These facts support Warner's proposition that punishment is a retributive, rather than a reformative, means of dealing with a criminal.'
I began with an overview of my point - a topic sentence.
Then, I referred to the quote.
Then, an example and an explanation of the example and its implications.
After that, I did a concluding sentence that restates my point and follows on from my explanation.
So there should be one idea per paragraph, and at least attempt to have 2 contrasting view points (synthesis and antithesis).
Also, try and write in a formal register and avoid cliches or generalisations such as 'too little, too late' or 'become a criminal overnight'. An alternative sentence might be something like 'the punishment of criminals is at the end point of the crescendo to crime and fails to address the underlying sociocultural issues that underlie criminality'.
And don't forget to add examples. So you must support your statement with evidence (or at least elaborate on it if there is no example - talk about any assumptions or implications of the quote, and delve into it). For example, when you say crime hardens the individual you succinctly summarise the Nietzche quote, but you didn't include any elaboration or examples. Perhaps talk about Nelson Mandella and his hunger strikes and how he was even more resolved to resist his punishers. Or perhaps refer to a movie or book where the prisoner's desire to retalliate sustained the guilty criminal through imprisonment. In Patriot Games, the bomber was sentenced and threatened retribution and eventually attempted to dispense it.
Although you might not always have an example, you may know some fact or have some deeper insight on the matter. Just delve into it more deeply and provide a thought provoking point of view. In the more personal/discursive writing (section B of the essays) it's a good idea to include personal experiences.
Further on in that sentence of paragraph 4, there was a long sentence that could be broken down into 2 smaller sentences as it was a little long. Don't be worried about breaking up long sentences. It let's you slowly and progressively build on your point and thus direct the reader to your very conclusion.
Finally, the conclusion must follow on from your points. I think that the him/her and he/she takes away from the flow, so perhaps say 'the criminal' or 'them'. Restate those main points very briefly. You also provided insight and opinion into your conclusion which was very well done.
So in the conclusion, give your final view and opinions on the matter, but in an impersonal format (in section A-type essays, I try and avoid first person). So as compared to the introduction, the conclusion is more definite. Sometimes there will be a good quote that might sum things up and you can finish off your conclusion with that.
----------
If you stick to a set structure, then it will just be a well-rounded piece of writing despite the constrains of time and exam conditions. It will give you points for the 'organisation and expression' component of the essay, and all you need to worry about is arranging your ideas logically and cohesively with an example.
Aim for about one point 'for' and one point 'against' to demonstrate your equivocal and reflective writing style. If you can do more than one each, go ahead.
Practicing once a fortnight and working up to 2 essays at a time to simulate exam conditions is a really good idea. There is a page in the Essays section where they have like 9 A4 pages of quotes. So you will not be running out any time soon.
Also, try to read some periodicals (The Economist, Time, The Bulletin), newspapers etc. to increase your knowledge of current events. The Sydney Morning Herald is $20 for students at your campus newsagency. And there are some good books by A. C. Grayling that have mini-essays on abstract topics such as love, friendship, mercy etc. It's a good thing to read in preparation for the part B essay section.
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endergirl
Gastrula
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #16 on May 27, 2007, 10:25pm » | |
Thank you for all the valuable advice mtm.
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mtm
Medical Student
University of Sydney
2008
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Professor Dog says "Understand the basic principles of science!"
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #17 on May 27, 2007, 11:33pm » | |
How is your fortnightly practice coming along, endergirl?
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endergirl
Gastrula
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #18 on May 29, 2007, 6:58pm » | |
It's going well mtm. My next essay session is on Saturday, so I will be posting something new after that. My latest essay is a few posts up here.
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woodie
Medical Student
Flinders University
2009
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #19 on Jun 2, 2007, 9:10am » | |
Quote:I'll admit to not having read your essay just yet, but I wanted to say that I think it's admirable that you are motivated to practise essays already. ![[image]](http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c3/pagingdr/Forum/smileys/star.gif) Good on you. ![[image]](http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c3/pagingdr/Forum/smileys/eusa_clap.gif) ![[image]](http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c3/pagingdr/Forum/smileys/highfive.gif) You have the right attitude. Now, you've got me thinking about my study plan for these coming months. ![[image]](http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c3/pagingdr/Forum/smileys/thanks.gif) |
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I agree. I was not thinking of starting on the essays this early but if people are posting stuff for critique I might start delving into the topics--it is going to be my Achilles’ heel. Also organic chemistry can drive one nuts so essay writing might be a good break.
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woodie
Medical Student
Flinders University
2009
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #20 on Jun 2, 2007, 9:16am » | |
MTM you have given excellent feedback and suggestions. I am a bit nervous about attempting this section at all because I tend to go absolutely blank when I look at the topics and cannot align my mind to think rationally.
Anyone has any suggestions as to how one should orient the thinking--I guess practice might help but I am really nervous about getting off the ground in this section. What strategies can I adopt?
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mtm
Medical Student
University of Sydney
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #21 on Jun 2, 2007, 11:11am » | |
Read all of the topics. As you read them, you should see an underlying theme (e.g. crime and punishment, friendship, patriotism etc.).
Once you realise this, you can go on and find the quote that you feel has the most intellectual appeal. You should be able to talk equivocally about this point. It may even be possible to use more than one quote (e.g. a counter point and/or a complementary point).
Once you have your points selected, think of which one you feel you could write most about.
Analyse the quote you chose for literary techniques - simile, metaphor, juxtaposition etc.
Find an example to back up your stance on one quote. Also, find one to provide an alternative view on the same quote in another paragraph or, instead, use the counter-quote and provide an example for it.
You then just need to use the SEXC strucutre and it will all fit together.
Just don't be afraid to think around the quote and write down what comes to mind. You can modify your points later, if necessary.
The more you practise, the easier it becomes.
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endergirl
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #22 on Jun 2, 2007, 9:42pm » | |
Okay here is my fortnightly essay. I sort of felt like I was writing out of my as I wrote this and I didn't clearly have a reflective part to it; I was sort of trying something within the realms of saying 'gossip was entertaining' or something, but I don't think I got far enough with it. Mostly I was thrown, because I mis-read one of the quotes I planned to use. I think if I can offer a tip from this self-testing experience, I would say when you choose your quote or quotes try to make sure that you get the right idea from them - perhaps choose fewer quotes (I have this tendency to pick 3) so that you can think more on the 2 that you have; get to know them well and get the room for that counter-point thinking. This I will work on for my next essay. Promise 
In the the meantime here's the essay.
Quotes:
We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them. Cato the Elder
Never tell evil of a man, if yo u do not know it for certainty, and if you know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, 'Why should I tell it?' J.K. Lavater
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Oscar Wilde
Thanks to those who posted these samples on this forum! They're quite handy.
Rumours are best left ignored
Society is extremely hungry for information and people will try very hard to gain it. Every person has some sort of curiousity and what they are often curious about is the lives of others. Unfortunately this insatiable hunger can encourage getting information even though it is untrue. This form of information is often referred to as gossip or rumour. Gossip can be entertaining, but it is based on information that may or may not be true; it can therefore lead a person to hurt not just those the rumours are about but themselves. Focusing on the good in their own lives can help people overcome the infectious spread of gossip.
Gossip is entertaining and popular; it makes for interesting conversation. Wilde refers to scandal as gossip made tedious by morality. The tabloid industry thrives on entertaining society with gossip, but in the end despite the fact that those who read the magazines do not interact directly with the celebrities reported in them and cannot be sure that the stories are fact - judgments are made. The gossip becomes more than just information but rather evidence against the possibly good character of the celebrities.
Although gossip may be very interesting, the actual content may be untrue and therefore it is not worth spreading. This warning is what Lavater recommends. IT is best exemplified in stories published in newspapers that later need to be recounted. The stories often slander an individual or company and although this can be entertaining and sell many newspapers, the source itself can be questioned and despite the gain the reporter thought they would make, there is none. In fact they may lose the respect of the public reading the stories. Rumours can in the end hurt the person that started to spread them. Even if the rumour turns out to be the truth in the end, the public no longer knowns whether the source can be trusted.
It is difficult to ignore gossip and even more difficult to reduce the suffering of the person that is being scandalised. Cato recommends having a good life and how it can help victims overcome the pain of this negative information about them. When politicians run for elections they are often scandalised in the media; any piece of negative information is immediately reported. Disregarding the negative information and continuing with good actions will be the most effective way they can deal with the problem. In fact, if they engage in spreading rumours about the opposing candidate instead, then they will lose credibility in the eyes of the public.
Although gossip is entertaining and popular and makes for interesting stories, it is the judgment of individuals without knowing that the gossip represents the truth. If a story is being spread without knowing that it is the truth harm can come to the individual spreading it. They may feel it gives them an advantage, but the costs are high and they may never be a credible source. Therefore ignoring rumours is the most effective approach to dealing with them, especially for the victim. Their own good life is more than enough to make others but most importantly themselves to see their worth beyond the negative information that is being spread.
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mtm
Medical Student
University of Sydney
2008
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #23 on Jun 7, 2007, 6:14pm » | |
I read through your essay and you seem to be improving your structure and content.
I just have a few points to make:
- Try not to repeat certain words too many times - for example, information is referred to three times in the introduction. Try to replace it with some other words like scandal, affairs, hearsay, slander.
- Your key points were found in the introduction, topic sentences and summed up in the conclusion - this is good.
- In your second paragraph (first point) you refer to Wilde's quote. However, you do not analyse it. It's important to go beyond what the quote says and examine what it means. 'Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality' seems to imply that gossip is interesting, but once individuals start adding value judgements and publicising it, the gossip becomes less arousing. He is using an analogy by comparing the similarities between gossip and scandal. So you could identify that literary technique.
- Try to provide more examples - you talk about tabloids, but don't provide an example to support your argument. When you provide a case to support your argument, you can demonstrate a deeper understanding of human psychology and also provide a personal reflection. Talk about an instance where an article needed to be retracted, mention when rumour has undermined an individual's career, also provide an instance where a politician must maintain a good record.
- Remember, finish each body paragraph with a min-conclusion. "Thus, gossip is a relentless beast that can inflict undue pain and bespoil an individual's record."
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endergirl
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #24 on Jun 7, 2007, 8:20pm » | |
Thank you for the points mtm. I feel that I struggle with most of the issues you brought up due to the time limit. Perhaps focusing on fewer quotes will help me think more about examples and different words - we will see next week.
I find that I have a tendency to use the same words and that's something picked up in academic writing where you don't want to confuse the reader and try to be more consistent - it's a tough balance, but I can see why in the essay it would be better to think of more varied wording (which takes time).
Analysing the quote definitely sounds like something I was missing and very important - I will try to take the time to make that clear.
As for the examples, in some cases I did have people in mind (like Stephen Glass for the reporter, but I didn't remember what he was reporting ![[image]](http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/1582/shockedsmiley9449gc0.gif) and John Kerry's veteran fiasco for the politician), but aside from the time restriction I was worried I would get the name wrong (wasn't sure about the reporter's name) or that the person reading it wouldn't know what I am talking about; perhaps I worry some of my examples are obscure or may be slightly/completely misquoted and then I use the general story - would that affect how the people see my writing?
The mini-conclusion is an excellent tip too! Well they all are; looks like I'll have to work on my time management to fit them all in.
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mtm
Medical Student
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #25 on Jun 7, 2007, 9:42pm » | |
I began writing my essays and I took as much time as I needed - often 50 minutes. Eventually, though, I was able to cut it down to 30-35 minutes. Work on your technique and write the best essays you can in a reasonable amount of time, and work your way down to the 30 minute limit. In this way, you will have good techniques that you will be able to call upon under time constraints.
Obscure examples are okay as long as they are true. And use personal examples in the section B essay and explain their implications in a reflective manner.
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endergirl
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #26 on Jun 9, 2007, 9:25am » | |
Taking as much time as I need (reasonably) sounds like a great next step. I was afraid of doing that at the start because I wanted to see if I could write within the time frame but I think fitting in with the time does not allow me to practice technique so I will take your advice for the next one (coming up next week) and give myself more time.
You're sharing some great advice, thanks again!
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~WunderBunny~
Administrator
Griffith University
2008
Gossip Queen
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My Little Luke Skywalker: I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #27 on Jun 9, 2007, 9:36am » | |
At this stage, Endergirl, you have plenty of time to refine your technique. I started off writing until I was finished with it. Good on you for taking up the challenge so early! ![[image]](http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/2273/tiphat1jq4.gif)
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Please read this first ... or risk getting
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endergirl
Gastrula
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #28 on Jun 9, 2007, 7:28pm » | |
Thanks for the support WunderBunny.
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theglue
Medical Student
Monash University
2008
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| | Re: Essay Practice and Critique
« Reply #29 on Jun 10, 2007, 9:11am » | |
If you want to do really well, as opposed to just well in S2, don't be overmechanistic with your structure - too formulaic makes these essays look like high school debates. Using too many/overcomplicated words when fewer/simpler will do is also no good.
I reckon the best examples of short essays you can find are in The Economist - engaging but still logical, and not overly formulaic. Some of them are about the same size as S2 and provide ready-made examples of some of the GAMSAT essay topics too!
endergirl good essay and mtm great critique.
I'd add a couple of things:
"Society is extremely hungry for information and people will try very hard to gain it."
This sentence equates two concepts in a confusing way - try something like:
"People are hungry for information, and work hard to gain it."
There's another problem with the introductory sentence though - it really doesn't relate to the topic. 'Information' is so broad, it doesn't really help you narrow down and looks a bit out of place at the start. I'd replace the first two sentences with one simple one:
"People are curious about the lives of others".
Still a bit glib, but launches your topic better. Remember: Be VERY careful of your opening sentence - it colours the reader's mind!
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